Today I want to talk about nicknames. Yes, nicknames are a big issue for us women. We love nicknames we love to get some and we love giving some but there are nicknames and nicknames.

We only give nicknames to people we love even if we like their real name. The degree of love is defined by the cuteness of the name we give you. We like small things so names like cupcake or beetle or teddy bear sound probably stupid when you are two fifty tall and weigh 150 kilos still we seem to love each inch of you. Whereas when you are called John and we call you Jonny we just do so as we heard others calling you Jonny and for the time being we can’t be bothered to find something more suitable.

Women also love when men give us nicknames as for us it is a sign that you thought about it and that you like us. But here we have to get more detailed because we are not your best male friend so DON’T call us: dude, fatty, moron, silly, butt-face, swine or anything similar as it might cause the exact opposite of what you are expecting. We- I would like to generalise here – don’t think it is funny or cute we take it as an indicator for your intelligence which is for us diminishing until your last grey brain cell commits suicide out of loneliness.

Another very good way of NOT getting what you are aiming at are nicknames that match with every woman on this planet, like sweaty or darling, they just work on us if we know you didn’t call all your exes like that as you could not remember their names due to the fluctuation.

But now let me give you the ABSOLUTE NO GO in and example that I thought could not be happening while I witnessed it.

My friend Jennifer is the absolute dream come true for most men. She is very pretty and smart enough to know when to shut up. As she only talks when she can at least follow the subject, she barely ever says anything. But Jennifer is a wonderful person; she is probably the nicest girl I know. Jen called me one day to tell me that she wants to get married to the man she was dating for some years at that time. To be honest I just saw him twice then but God knows why- I couldn’t stand this guy. He seemed like the most superficial, primitive and posh man I have ever seen. Nobody really liked him from her friends. She invited me to her house for a party and wanted us all to get to know him better hence I went there. Jennifer, the bride to be, was standing in the corridor, dressed up like for a ball and wearing this huge smile on her face and the groom to be was sitting in their living room watching football. I swallowed my question and left the: “Oh no way did he have an accident, is he paralyzed?” outside in front of the apartment. I kissed Jen and ignored the ape. The place filled more and more. After something like an hour the sir decided he will join in. He was standing with a couple of guys, laughing- I guess they were his friends- when he turned around to Jennifer, who was standing with some girls including me and said: “Sophia get some beers for the guys, I think they will dry out here” and turned back to them talking. Jen started sprinting off; when she came back I asked her who Sophia is. NOW LISTEN TO THAT! Jen said: “He can not get used to my Jennifer so he calls me Sophia. I think he likes that name.” Men out there listen to me carefully: THERE ARE NOT THAT MANY WOMEN LIKE JENNIFER ON THIS PLANET!!! One of my best friends was talking to the ape later on told me that the ape’s ex was called Sophia and he thought it was so beautiful that he started calling Jennifer Sophia.

That was the moment that I realized that his last grey brain cell first killed Jennifer’s and then committed suicide. Then I had the proof.

Can ANYONE tell me what that is supposed to be? I hope there is nobody that can answer this question and defend that way of dealing with anyone because if you can- GET A LIFE.

One last law: DON’T USE COPMLEXES AS THE BASIS OF A NICKNAME. The names do not count – use them when you talk behind our backs and make sure they are never used or transported in anyway down to our ear because this will be the beginning of a chain of subtle, brutal nicknames uncovering your masks and we will enjoy that!

J.E.

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