We know you hate talking about things like our outfit, make-up or hairdo and we couldn’t possibly care less! We see it like that: YOU PROFIT FROM OUR BEAUTY HENCE YOUR COOPERATION IS SHOULD BE CRUTIALLY IMPORTANT FOR YOU!

So after three uselessly put on tubes of make-up as we had to blow-dry our hair afterwards and five different eye shadows we tried. After 25 different pairs of shoes and 7 stained blouses, 14 ripped tights etc. we end up in a second-best outfit, that is too tight and definitely too short. You are not warning us as we started telling you that we will be ready in 2 seconds for the last 3,5 hours. Whilst getting in the car looking devastated, we put the blame for our bad outlook on you as well as you are guilty for the tightness. DON’T ask why!!!

You drank whisky whilst we were getting ready and your tipsiness helps you to stand us. You most likely want to know why we hate your coolness in such situations. WE KNOW YOU ARE TIPSY and we are, were and will be stressed because of the way we look.

So we arrive at the party and now I will give you the worst case scenario:

We get inside and there is that woman we hated since we are children. She was that chubby, annoying kid. She always cried and her hair was always greasy, but she was the teachers darling as her mother really knew how to bake and she brought the teacher cake whenever she could. She is standing there and she is bloody beautiful. She looks like a morning breeze and her body is like a peach. Not enough that she is beautiful, trained and perfectly styled – NO she is wearing exactly the same dress we squeezed our big thighs and our hanging ass into. She is standing there with our best friend and the owner of the house. She is being so funny that even our best friend doesn’t realize that we came. You walk up to the group while we are trying to tell you that we want to go home and that this is the fat child we used to hate and we are sure she got a plastic surgery.

We are standing at the door not knowing what to do. We would love to leave but we do not want to leave without you. After standing there for something like 10 minutes you realize that you didn’t take us along and you are doing this “come over here” hand move. You have this stupid grin on your face and when we approach as we do not want to be a party pooper you say the following: “This is Berta, can you remember her? She told me you were in school together. Why didn’t you like her? She is really funny.”

You have no clue how dead you are! You are so dead that not even we know how!

After standing there and listening to Berta, hating ourselves as we have to admit that she is funny we decide to fu.k her day and start telling a joke we heard at work that day. We start and exaggerate and extend it in order for it to be even funnier and then YOU- you say: “Bunny is it the one you told me today?” For God’s sake WHO IS BUNNY? We pretend that you always call us bunny and say: “YES!” and we are still smiling. Then you ruin our day entirely by saying: “It was not all that funny” and you add “I think it was just funny in the office.” Everybody is laughing and asking what kind of office we are working in.

Did I mention THAT YOU ARE DEAD?

We decide it is our time to be a party pooper now! We walk over to the buffet while you are still laughing because you finally understood that they were laughing because of what you said. You turn to us and seriously ask: “Are you pissed now?” NO! NO we are not pissed and the pope is an atheist, as.hole. We smile and say: “No jellybelly I am just hungry” we love what we called you.

HIRPIT